The Silent Negativity Series – Part Five

Mike grabbed me before I made any attempts .

I was glad , inwardly . I didn’t actually want to die .

I wanted to live a better life .

“Nabeel?! WTH?! How can you do this?” Zayn posed a rhetorical question to me .

I just shrugged .

He dragged me to the couch and sat me down .

He spoke to me like a ‘big bro’ and said I desperately needed help . Big bro talk .

Before I could refuse him , he already contacted some psychologist .

“You going to him on tomorrow morning . You heard?”

I nodded .

I didn’t want to protest .

I just had to give in  .

The past , Nabeel .

Haunts ya .

I was sitting at the psychologist’s waiting room . Waiting to be called in .

Finally , the secertary called me to go in .

Dr. Muhammed listened to me go on and on and on …

I told him everything from the beginning .

He asked a few questions in between but he was very understanding .

“My boy , you need help and I am here to help you .” He told me .

He spoke to me for a while and then the session was over .

Before I left , he gave me one last advice .

“One secret Nabeel . Turn to Allah . Its the answer to every single problem . If you want to get out of this mess , do that and next time when you come , I am going to ask you about this .” He told me in a very nice way .

I thanked him , paid and made my way out of there .

Zayn called me later .

I was too proud to actually say that I felt better .

But I admitted it him ..

I went home . Home as in real home .

Everyone was shocked .

But my mother came and gave me an ‘awkward’ hug .

“Nabeel , my bathcu . I’ve missed youuu.” She squealed .

Oh yeah? Thanks .

Haha .

Things were awkward around the house .

Nabeela and Aarifah looked at me as if studying me . They just shook their heads and walked away . Sahal gave me a forced smile .

But Nabeela was headstrong .

She came upto me after alot of ‘supposedly’ courage .

“You the worst brother anyone could ever have . I hate you . I had a soft spot for you but its diminishing if that’s even possible . You just run away . Get up to rubbish . Bad boy . People be like ‘your bro is the bad one right?’ ? I don’t know what to do .” She literally screamed at me .

Hate is a strong word . Stronger then when two people are in love . Argh .

Bad boy . I like the sound of that . (?!)

Nabeela was being irrational .

She was probably on one of her mood swings or something .

“Stop zoning out .” She told me . “Idiot .” She muttered after that .

So I’m an idiot also . Haha .

“Listen here Nabeela . You are a great sister , caring for me and stuff . But I don’t hate you back . You just needa do one thing , lil sis .” I told her calmly .

“And what is it?” She asked arrogantly .

“Pray for me Nabeela . That’s all I’m asking .” I told her shyly . Proudly?

“Since when you gone all holy and stuff?” She asked me enquiringly .

“I ain’t holy . I’m the bad boy , remember?” I smirked .

But I guess Dr. Muhammed was right . I needed to turn to Allah . Although all of this sounded so unlike me , I had to make it like me . I had to do something with my life .

The life of sin and vice seemed very appealing . It was enchanting . But it definitely lead to more grief and sadness .

And I was trying to make my conscious mind understand the reality of all of this .

Life can’t possibly carry on like this .

It was like I needed a push . Someone to push me and force me to do something .

Not actually force . I can’t be compelled to do something .

I must do it on my own will , right?

“Whatever Nabeel . But seriously . You need to do something . You such a messed up human being . ” She told me in a-not-so-mean-tone-but-a-not-so-cheerful-tone-either .

You such a messed up human being .

Oh yes . That’s true .

Imraan checked up on me .

He searched my back-pack .

My cupboards , pockets .

Anywhere he could find drugs .

I didn’t have any on me . So I was fine .

I wish I was clean .

But I still needed some .

I might need to go back to rehab .

Most highly .

Imraan spoke to me and I let him in of the recent happenings .

He was happy that I went to a psychologist .

Before he left my room that night , he surprised me .

“Nabeel . You know what?”

“What?” I asked curious .

“I’m getting married .” He said seriously .

“Whaaat?” I asked , raising the tone of my voice .

“Chill . I’m going to see the girl this weekend .” He told me . “Insha Allah .” He added .

“That doesn’t mean you getting married , bro .” I almost scolded him .

“Yeah . Yeah .” He laughed .

After Imraan left my room that night , I did an amazing thing .

I couldn’t believe my own self .

I prayed . As in made Du’aa .

I didn’t know what to say or how to do it properly .

But I lifted my hands , and tears just rolled down my cheeks .

The sadness was in my heart and I couldn’t put it to words but I just cried .

And I knew that my Lord will understand my feelings and what I was actually trying to say .

I just sat there , stunned at myself .

I felt different … although there was this bugging feeling inside that I couldn’t understand .

And I went to sleep like that …

NOTE:
So I just decided to try this out .

I don’t know .

Its not an actual story .

Its a short story kinda thing , yeah?

And it will be ending soon .

JazaakAllah . .

Request for Du’aas .

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